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I didn’t want to exist- part 1

Hello, ladies and gents!

I wanted to share a bit of my testimony (EEEEK!).

It all started when I was around 15 or 16 years old, Life at home began to get somewhat rocky.

Losing Hope

I tried to maintain a smile through all the quandary I was finding myself in. I had numerous things that I concealed in my heart. I attended youth group services where I would pour out (cry like a baby) everything I had to fight through that week. But still, I began to get numb. I began to lose faith, hope and most importantly love became foreign to me.

As things with my parents progressively got worse so did my state of mind. I started to entertain those thoughts of “Being better off dead” because then I wouldn’t be tormented by my depression and the feeling of emptiness.

I attended church since I was about 4 years old. I learned about the God who loved me, the God who would give me peace in the midst of my chaos. But for me, it felt like the more I sought help that darker my life got. I battled with every ounce of strength that was within me but the darkness was still taking over me.

I asked for numerous of prayers. My best friend would call me and stay on the phone with me all night to make sure I was ok. But the emptiness kept growing inside me. I wanted so much to feel that PEACE that God gives but it was becoming impossible to believe in it.

I tried to keep busy with work and school. I tried to be a good “Christian” by attending church. I was walking around like a zombie. Every week there was a new hurdle that I had to overcome.

I began to self-harm because I could not handle my emotions anymore. I have never felt so isolated in my life. How could I be surrounded by friends and my youth at church but feel so out of place?

My parents fighting became too much for me at times I would just sit in my closet because it was quiet.

Slowly I gave up on trying.

Numb

I remember that self-harming became my therapy. I would hold so much inside that wasn’t meant for me to carry! yet I carried the burdens of my family.(Just because your children don’t show you that they are being affected doesn’t mean they aren’t). I didn’t want to cry anymore. Love didn’t exist in my home anymore. I felt invisible.

In the back of my mind, I always held onto this Jesus I heard about the one who catches every tear I cry, the one who comforts. I wondered so many times why he wasn’t saving me.

At this point, I felt NOTHING. All I could feel was a rage. I considered my life at this point a nightmare that I couldn’t get out of.

I felt like this girl from this song I heard by casting crowns.

Stay tuned for Part 2. 

4 Comments

  • Migdalia Valentin

    So many young women are going through a similar experience and I’m so glad to see you allowing God to use you to help others! I pray that this platform that God has given you, will expand and bless a great number of people, both young and old.

    • Nini

      Thank you for your kind words they are very encouraging and much needed. This is a very hard an difficult journey and not as easy as it seems. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I just help one soul then I accomplish God’s will and that makes me glad.

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