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I didn’t want to exist Pt. 2

This is part 2 of my testimony if you haven’t read part 1 click here

I can fix myself.

When I was 17 my mom moved out.

I lived with my father for about a year and during that year I tried so hard to “fix” my issues.

I still felt lonely and on top of everything else I was dealing with my own demons.

I was dealing with molestation memories from my childhood that was making themselves very alive in my mind.

I wanted to put my dad back together. I wanted to mend my own heart and in the process fix my mother as well.

My heart felt nothing it was just beating (barely). I didn’t say “I Love You” and trust was not even a word I spoke about.

I didn’t like myself. I told no one about me being abused not even my parents. I didn’t want to add another problem to their lives.

I figured if I don’t talk about it then it will go away.

Abandoned

By the time I graduated high school  I had to move out my house. At this point, I felt the lowest  I have ever felt. In my mind I was unwanted, I was invisible. My father and I parted ways and I moved into my grandmother’s house for a few months. Depression became my friend. I lost all ambition for college and even socializing.

All I would do is SLEEP. I refused to feel any type of emotions. I thank God for my grandmother who would wake me up to feed me but I would quickly go right back to bed if I didn’t have to work.

At this point, I was barely showing my face at church. I would go but honestly, I was so checked out  I don’t even think I believed anymore.

stayed tuned for part 3. Listen to this song I hope it speaks to you.

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