This is part 2 of my testimony if you haven’t read part 1 click here
I can fix myself.
When I was 17 my mom moved out.
I lived with my father for about a year and during that year I tried so hard to “fix” my issues.
I still felt lonely and on top of everything else I was dealing with my own demons.
I was dealing with molestation memories from my childhood that was making themselves very alive in my mind.
I wanted to put my dad back together. I wanted to mend my own heart and in the process fix my mother as well.
My heart felt nothing it was just beating (barely). I didn’t say “I Love You” and trust was not even a word I spoke about.
I didn’t like myself. I told no one about me being abused not even my parents. I didn’t want to add another problem to their lives.
I figured if I don’t talk about it then it will go away.
By the time I graduated high school I had to move out my house. At this point, I felt the lowest I have ever felt. In my mind I was unwanted, I was invisible. My father and I parted ways and I moved into my grandmother’s house for a few months. Depression became my friend. I lost all ambition for college and even socializing.
All I would do is SLEEP. I refused to feel any type of emotions. I thank God for my grandmother who would wake me up to feed me but I would quickly go right back to bed if I didn’t have to work.
At this point, I was barely showing my face at church. I would go but honestly, I was so checked out I don’t even think I believed anymore.