Blogs

I didn’t want to exist Pt. 3

If you haven’t read part 1 of my testimony click here and for part 2 click here.

 Bad decisions

I managed to keep my depression from completely consuming my life. I eventually moved out my grandmother’s house and got my own apartment. It may sound very cliche but I began searching for love in all the wrong places.

My search for love and protection lead me to false hopes and dreams. Honestly, I don’t remember much during this time it’s almost as if I was on autopilot. I can say that at this point I was barely existing.

At the age of 21, I got pregnant with my first child (yes out of wedlock gasp). Everything I tried to use to fill the void in my heart left me still feeling depleted. Everyone I ever dated left me hallow.

By the time my son was one my mother’s and I  relationship was uneasy. Often times I would even describe it to be volatile.

At some point, I became fed up with the constant disappointments, hurts, and confusion.  So I decided that a little bit of change with my son was what we needed.

Running away from God

I packed and moved to a new state where I had a few family members. I was so determined to make my own “happiness” for me and my son.

I was ready to take total control of MY LIFE. I thought that everything would be perfect. I pictured that I would get the perfect job, and the perfect house and live happily ever after.

Oh, foolish me. Everything did not go as plan (hello reality check!).  Shortly after settling in (one week) I felt like I made a mistake. But my pride would not allow me to go back home. Nah, I can do this on my own.

How I wish now that I had listened to that voice that told me to go back home.

It took a very very long time to find a stable job and even then I was just making minimum wage. I was now in a new relationship but nothing about me changed. I was still damaged, lost, angry and confused.

I began to socially drink. Then slowly I began to drink more when I felt so EMPTY AND DARK.

I also started to battle with a sickness for over 1 yr that no doctor could figure out the cause. (Looking back now it was my depression and stress causing me to be physically sick.)

I had no friends and 3 years later I found myself in this new state still the SAME WAY. I tried going to church but I felt dirty and I was shy and socially awkward to the point of the thought of trying to find a church and going alone was overwhelming. (I am still socially awkward, but I embrace it.)There were moments I could feel God calling me. But I felt too far gone.

During this time my mom reconciled with Christ and our relationship began to heal. She always told me that she and the church were praying for me to come back. I always replied, “Yeah, well prayer harder”.

God answered her prayer

After 3 years of feeling isolated. I felt like I should move back home. I now had another son and I just didn’t want to keep living with a false smile anymore I wanted to actually be happy for once.

So we moved and my relationship ended at the same exact time.

I was reluctant about going back to church. I felt so filthy when I visited.

Within a week or two of being back, God blessed me with a job and shortly after a home.

I began to attend church more often. I kept thinking that when people saw me that they could only see my mistakes and not the real me.

But eventually,  God found me! He saved me! He broke me and then rebuild me into a new creature.

He loved me despite my mistakes. I learned that I am not in control but that he is! All the pain I carried for years was gone. I felt light as a feather.

I found my refuge in him. He became my first real LOVE.

YEARS LATER I FOUND MY HUSBAND.

Now I have a healthy relationship with myself. I know who I am. I no longer self -harm. I don’t battle with severe depression.

 

If he did it for me. He can do it for you!.

 

 

 

One Comment

  • Anonymous

    God has and always will be with you. He never left you. The things we go through in life are a part of his plan to grow us and make us bold in his faith through Jesus Christ. Remember when life is not going as “planned” that’s because it’s your plan and not his plan. His plan is always thriving and will always come to work. God bless you!
    Life has a purpose when we cling to Christ!
    ” To live is Christ, to die is gain”

    Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.
    1 Peter 3:13‭-‬17

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *